I Am The Passenger

 I woke up this morning with a bad case of the blues. I’m not really sure what to write. Depression has her way with me in my sleep and then clings to me like a caul when my eyes open and I have to pretend to be functional. 

Things seem OK, then not OK. The tiny tragedies that make me crumble taper off, then return in a full-force gale. I can’t handle some of the basic pressures of being alive. There seems to be no end-game or goal – no purpose – to any of it. We are born. We become instruments of a machine far larger than our minds can comprehend. We reproduce. We die. 

We die. 

What an impossible burden to place on a species, the consciousness of death. And we, among all of our neighbors on this planet, are alone in our understanding of Death’s inevitability. I’m not sure the natural world would function so well if animals had the capacity to understand life’s inescapable impermanence. The ants would stop building hills. My dog would become listless and stop chewing his bone or wanting to play fetch. My cats would stop running and jumping around like possessed squirrels. That should have been an old Twilight Zone episode. “Death Spills the Beans.” Why us? Why should we have to deal with this shit, and how could we possibly be equipped to? It’s fucking scary. Animals are frightened of thunderstorms. Imagine if they knew the truth. It’s enough to make any sentient being immediately insane. This – staring down Death’s black mouth every day while we pretend everything will be just fine – this and opposable thumbs separate us from animals. And the divide is a chasm.

 It’s hard to understand how anyone even gets out of bed knowing they could cease to exist at any moment. I envy religious people of their ignorance and blind confidence that when they die, they’re going somewhere better and will join all their lost loved ones in some celestial bliss factory. I imagine holding this firm, true belief makes you a much happier person. How could it not? But I can’t get myself there. It’s too symmetrical, too fair. Which spells…false. We aren’t going anywhere. You can try to escape to any nook or cranny of the Earth, or even outer space, and it’ll find you. 

We are just passengers along for this strange ride until we meet Death, that whimsical little asshole of a harbinger who wreaks havoc upon whatever he touches. No matter how many people we cherish and who cherish us back, we are alone on our rides toward reckoning. 

I’m scared. Are you?

373 thoughts on “I Am The Passenger

  1. Wow, this is a very powerful message. It really hits home to those that have this fear – and it is real and many people deal with it. I struggled for a long time, perhaps not to this level, but it was difficult to do the little things. I mean, when you feel like that – what’s the point right? You ask yourself everyday – so why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Well, I think you nailed it for yourself – it was to spread this message. I believe this is not the end of our journey – we live many lives and learn many lessons each time. This is just a small piece of that journey – so learn what you can from it because your next journey will take you on new learnings. There is more out there , don’t give up.

    I have to tell you that I have been on a journey myself to find out my purpose and what drives me. It’s to help people – it’s what I love to do. You have to find out what drives you , deep down inside – that’s what makes life worth living!

    When I think about all of the things I have learned over the last couple of years to help me, one stands out the most – it was a man that created a process to help me eliminate the deep negative emotions I was feeling – so I didn’t have to talk about it or express it, I simply had to think of this emotion I was feeling and let it go. Sounds simple enough I know, but it worked and it helped me find myself.

    His name is Grant Connolly and he has alot of blogs/website if your interested, it’s http://www.acceptingself.com. Thank you again for sharing. I’m wishing you well on your journey and sending positive energy your way.


  2. Reblogged this on Juliet Naked and commented:

    Summertime sadness made me rethink, and inevitably, re-FEEL, this post that got my nascient blog started bc WordPress Explore (or whatever) found it in the trenches and promoted it (and with which I, of course, never followed through). I’d like to start it up again. Thanks to all who followed, commented or even just read it the first time. You gave me strength. I hope I can give some back in the near future. Xo, Juliet, not naked, but bug-bitten


  3. I work with dying people every day. I work in a skilled nursing facility as a physical therapy assistant. I have been doing this for about a year and half now. Before this I had almost no direct experience with death. I find the more I experience people dying, the more it becomes part of the rhythm of life. I used to fear death and worry over mortality. I am not completely at peace with my mortality, but I am beginning to feel comfortable with death as part of my existence. Moments come and go each could be a last one, each could, just as well, hold a revelation of the infinite, What will happen next?

    Liked by 1 person

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